First Goodbye
by loweze
Summary: One-shot. Lupin has lost control and finally let himself have Tonks... but he wakes up much more sober. He regains control and breaks Tonks in the process. Rated M for language.


AN: This is a 9 (!) year old fic I found going through my archives but I'm posting it to try and get my motivation/inspiration flowing. I'm sorry if the formatting is a little difficult - I'm trying to remember how it converts :)

Short one-shot. Lupin has lost control and finally let himself have Tonks... but wakes up much more sober and with his full control back - this is how he regains control and breaks Tonks in the process.

Nymphadora Tonks awoke slowly, slipping from a blissful dream. As she opened her eyes and remembered where she was, she realised that it hadn't been a dream but wonderfully real. Lying beside her, was Remus Lupin. His back to her, he was still sleeping and, as Tonks noticed happily, was still naked. She slipped her hand under the covers to let her hand brush across his bare back.

She closed her eyes as her fingers traced the hills of scared and torn skin; a constant reminder of his being a were-wolf. She winced as she thought of the pain her love had to endure every month; every cursed, shining, full moon. Tonks hands slid around Lupin's waist and rested there as she cuddled into him, her short short bright, pink hair messy and tickling the back of Lupin's neck.

Remus Lupin shifted to stretch his back slightly as he woke. Tonks didn't move when she felt him awake beside her. Lupin twisted to face her, feeling her hand float across his stomach as he moved, and rubbed his eyes open before grinning back at the sweet smiling face watching him.

"Good morning" Tonks said softly, in that whispery, sweet voice Lupin almost loved to admit he couldn't resist.  
"Good morning" he replied, slipping his arms around her, to pull her tight into him. He needed her closer and she obliged willingly letting herself be drawn into his embrace.

Tonks hand pushed up his back and pulled herself removing any space between them. Lupin bent his head towards her neck and kissed her. Tonks turned her head so she could kiss him at the same time. She felt her fingers tangle in his hair before she even had a thought about it. He was kissing her lips now, and she was kissing back. Tonks liked this bit; the bit where she didn't know where she was or what was going on. When she could feel nothing but Lupin's kisses and the warmth of his hands on her bare skin, searching her. It was growing fast and passionate now, the way she knew he loved. It must be something to do with his animal half… well whatever it was, she loved it too. Tonk's nails scrapped down Lupin's neck and onto his back as she arched into his touch. Suddenly Lupin breathed in sharply, through gritted teeth, wincing in pain. Before Tonk's knew what happened, he had pulled away from her and was sitting upright at the edge of the bed. His bed.

"Shit! I'm sorry, did I...?" Tonks started but before she'd finished, Lupin had turned around, his eyes glistening with…tears? Tonks sat up and crawled towards him before kneeling beside him. She put her hand on his cheek smiling nervously. "Aw, come on, don't be a cry-baby," she whispered attempting to lighten the mood, wiping her thumb across his eyes and bent forward to kiss him, but Lupin turned his head to meet her. Tonks sat back, confused pulling her hands away from him into her lap, her bright pink hair fading and growing longer around her shoulders.  
"Did I do something?" she asked, her voice catching slightly. Lupin didn't look at her. "No, Dora. You didn't...do anything."

Tonks didn't know what to say, but she tried. "Then why...?" Lupin got up from the bed, cutting her off and pulled his robe off the chair and slid it on. Tonks pulled up the bed covers around her and stared at him. Lupin began searching the room for something to look at, something other than Tonks. Tonks didn't understand. "What's wrong, Remus?" He started inspecting the floorboards and answered quietly. "I...I..." he breathed out slowly.

Now Tonks was very worried. She shook her head slightly trying to collect herself and got up, back facing Lupin and slid on her own robe. She walked to him slowly, and reached her hand to touch his arm. She gained a little hope when he let her touch him. She moved around to face him and placed her hands on both of his shoulders and tried to get him to look at her.

"Remus please...obviously somethings wrong! Just tell me…" Lupin took a while to reply before he nervously began "Dora, I really..." he stopped and she felt her hoped begin to drain. An emotional conversation and a sentence starting with her name wasn't good. "We...can't be together" he said quickly and pulled from her, his back facing her again. Tonks let him slip through her fingers and stood frozen. Her fair faded further to sit limp against her shoulders, its natural mousy colour. Had he said that? Had he really just said that? "What?!" she said loudly, her eyes closing as she massaged her temples trying to process what he just said, "What the fuck?"

"Dora! I... it's because of me..." Lupin started but Tonks cut him off with a huff, "Ha! That's a great way to start a conversation, with a girl!" She was beginning to scare him. "Dora, I love you and that means I want to save you from all the hurt in the world. I want to protect you" he said as calmly as he could. Tonks raised her eyebrows and nodded sarcastically, "Right, this again."

"How am I supposed to protect you when I'm ...when I'm...? Tonks I'm a fucking were-wolf! What happens to you then?!" He splurted out franticly crossing the room, before sitting on the bed his head in his hands. "We can work it out Remus". Tonks said slowly watching him. Remus sighed, "I can't tell if I bite a person I hate or a person I love" looking up at her as he finished and she could tell he fully believed what he said. "I can protect myself" Tonks assured, staring right into his eyes. She didn't need to be looked after like a baby."That's not the point!" Lupin yelled across the room at her making her flinch in shock. "It was bad enough ripping my friends apart!" he shouted finding himself on his feet again.

"You didn't rip them apart Remus" Tonks said trying to be reassuring through her anger and upset, moving towards him and reaching out to touch his arm. He shifted out of her reach and turned away from her again "I gave them scars Dora. I can't even bare to think I'd scar you." he said quietly, head down. "If I hurt you...if it was me that... I can't put you into that much danger. I love you too damn much." Tonks began to laugh.

Lupin stared up at her, shocked, but with tears in his eyes. Tonks was laughing but her eyes were drained of colour. "Dora?" Lupin began concern lacing his voice, but was cut off as Tonks laughed louder. "Get out Lupin! That's a good one" she laughed, grinning at him, but Lupin could see it in her eyes she knew he meant what he said and he felt that look of loss deep within himself.

A tear streaked down Tonks' face as the laughing stopped leaving a deadly silence. "You mean...mean it?" she mumbled her voice shaking. "You really mean it?" Her grey eyes searched his for a tiny flicker of hope… "Yes" Lupin whispered slowly…but she found no hope there.

The tears now slipping down his face also. Tonks' head fell and when she looked up again, her eyes were red and her cheeks soaking. "You don't fucking love me!" she spat. Lupin's eyes widened in shock, "Dora, yes I do! I've never loved anything more in my life!"

"Then you'd be with me! You wouldn't use a lame-ass excuse to get out of being with me!" she was breaking and it hurt. She swore she could feel the unbearable pain of her heart tearing apart, and the man she loved was standing right there making it happen.

"Dora, don't put me in that fucking position! I'm not choosing my love for you over your life!"

"Oh yeah?" Tonks said shaking "and what about my love? Huh? Did you think about what I felt at all? While you were thinking of how to get away from me!?" she was collapsing and it was all she could to keep herself from falling to the ground to let herself drown in her tears.

Lupin rushed forward and seized her shoulders tightly, shaking her slightly with the movement. His face was hot and angry and inches from hers, glaring at her. This was the first time, since she'd known him, that he had truly frightened her. She tried to pull from him but he wasn't letting go.

"Get off me Lupin!" Tonks yelled, pulling roughly from his hold. Hearing her using his last name, which she'd never ever done since she'd known him made him freeze, "Dora... Listen to me! I love you! I fucking love you! But I would rather not be with you than having you gone from my life forever! Dora I love you! Why can't you understand?" he watched the last inch of feeling drained from her. It came away in Lupin's hand as he let go of her shoulders.

She stepped backwards and fell against the wall. She managed to hold herself for all of a second before she collapsed to the floor and pulled her knees up. Her head sank against the rough wall and the tears fell, streaming down her face. Lupin couldn't bare her pain, and hated himself beyond all feeling; mental and physical, watching Tonks, Dora, the sweetest girl he loved, so much more than he could ever express. But that love was endangering her.

In that moment, he forced himself to keep the realistic consequences of their relationship in his mind, before her ran back to her and pulling her into his arms, promising her he loved her, and that the rest didn't matter. He collected every bit of strength he had and left the room, and closed the door. He ran to Sirius' room and threw himself against the back wall where his dead best friend had repeatedly thrown himself against, and let himself fall against it, done.

Tonks cried and cried. She felt like she could cry forever.

The two lovers apart, but still together, crying themselves into desperation for the other.


End file.
